Friday, May 1, 2015

Staying safe in your marriage

So, recently, "revenge porn" king jacknape Kevin Bollaert was sentenced to 18 years in prison, I believe mainly for extortion. He had a website where spiteful and creepy ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands could post intimate pictures of the women they were involved with, sans consent. They also included things like home address, phone numbers, email, social media accounts, and workplace information. You can guess what happened next--these women have been harassed, threatened, shamed, and fired from their jobs. At least one woman was disowned by her family. This went on for years. If they wanted the photos taken down, they had to pay Bollaert, but once a picture is on the internet, other people can grab it and post it elsewhere.

If an ex does this to you, you can expect unending harassment from a personal army of creeps who masquerade as nice men and boys.

My reaction to victim-blaming.
The comments to these articles always have lectures about how we should never trust a man with an intimate photograph (forgetting that at least one of the women Bollaert targeted was drugged, assaulted and photographed and that there are actually a lot of cases of women being photographed and filmed without their knowledge or consent, but whatever). Now, I have never sent photographs like that to anyone because I trust no one (though I'm told I'm a manhater for not being trusting which goes to show you really just cannot win).

But I think we need to listen to these men, ladies! They know themselves. You should not trust a boyfriend or a husband to not share this type of stuff in a bid to humiliate you if things go south. You should not trust a boyfriend or a husband to not post your contact information and encourage random misogynist inbreeds to harass and threaten you once you break up. Or if you say, forget to serve him his favorite meal on Superbowl Sunday. Or maybe if you just sat down in a slightly annoying way. Or if you were dating other people after you broke up.

We need to listen to this advice, and take it to heart. And we need to be logical about this, so hard for our ladybrains. If there is one thing I am all about, it's safety. I just want you all to stay safe, ladies! So here is some more advice.

Given the fact that we cannot know that a man will not turn on us in such a horrific and awful way, of course we should not share racy photographs with them. We might want to reconsider marrying them or living with them or even dating them.

If you come home to this, you should have known better.
Look, if someone could be capable of posting intimate photos and inciting harassment, why would you trust them enough to merge finances? To buy or lease a place together? To have children with them? If they can possibly violate you via revenge porn and get a personal army to harass you by proxy, who is to say that they won't clean out the bank account and blow it on coke? Or that they won't use the basement as a place to hide bodies? Who's to say they won't hurt the kids? Who is to say they aren't secret serial killers? OR WEREWOLVES. THEY COULD ACTUALLY BE WEREWOLVES AND NOT BE TELLING YOU.

If you must ignore the advice of men, who I think know better then us silly ladies, then my advice is that you take all precautions.

Don't send him any racy photographs. In fact, don't send him any photographs at all. He could photoshop them on to a nude model's picture.

Sweep whatever room you are in for bugs and hidden cameras. A girl can't be too cautious.

Hire a food taster. Especially if he claims to like to cook. How do you know he's not a serial killer trying out a new poison on you? You don't. Hire the food taster. Yes, it will take a chunk out of your savings account but you'll be alive to replenish it.

If you must live with him and/or marry him, do not merge finances with him. In fact, keep all banking and financial information in a sealed vault at the bottom of the sea that only specially trained Navy seals can access. Actually, scratch that. Navy seals are men, and if I recall correctly, the 'splainers have informed us that we shouldn't trust them. Hire a band of Amazonian bad-asses to get your information if you need it, but really, it's best to commit it to memory.

Since you don't know what he's truly capable of, be prepared. Wear a bullet proof vest. Carry a gun at all times. If he makes any sudden moves, raises his voice, or even looks at you funny, pull it out and tell him to just stay right there and to keep his hands where you can see them. A tranquilizer gun or a taser is also acceptable. If you do not have a gun, a crossbow or a harpoon will also do, but you'll just have to have it trained on him from the get-go. Which might not be such a bad thing. Nothing like telling a potential bad guy HEY, I AM NOT SOMEONE YOU WANT TO MESS WITH.

Or a weirdo with a thing for bear suits.
Sleeping can be quite dangerous. You're unconscious and vulnerable. Same goes for drinking a little too much. Or drinking something that has a drug in it. So I would advise that you refrain from sleeping or drinking alcohol, and that you never, ever accept any drink from your boyfriend or husband. If the sleeping part is not possible, then it's advisable to lock your boyfriend or husband in a bear cage when you're ready to turn in. This will also be useful if he is indeed a secret werewolf.

Hack into his cell phone and his computer. Hire a PI to follow him to make sure he doesn't have any other devices that you don't know about. If you find devices, disable them.

Unless they are like these children.
If you have children with a man, do not let him know that this happened. As far as he knows, you just gained weight for for forty weeks and then had some weird hormonal stuff going on where you were lactating. You're seeing the doctor about it though! Keep the children in a safehouse far away. This will require you to be away from the man you are living with or married to but you can tell him that you are in witness protection and that he just needs to be patient for the next 18 years.

I think following this advice will enable us to stay safe if we refuse to just cut men out of our lives entirely. Ladies, please! Follow the manly advice! They know what they are talking about.

Or we could just start holding men accountable for their actions and recognizing that inciting harassment and violence is gross, vile, and criminal. We could just start calling this what it is, which is abusive and violating. We could just point out that men who sext aren't derided as whores, harassed, hounded, threatened, and threatened with a job loss. We could point out that this crime is very gendered (the few exceptions notwithstanding) and that it is enabled by the sexual double standard. We could point out that anyone who says we shouldn't trust a boyfriend or husband with intimate photos (or to not take them surreptitiously) should not whine about women treating men like the enemy.

Just sayin'.

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