Monday, November 17, 2014

Where your fearless blogger learns the hard way that housecleaning is a man's job

My face after the incident in question. Saltier language, though.
Right, so you know how I was sure I was going to have this super awesome system and keep the trainwreck fairy at bay? Yeah, looking back at that I was adorable in my naivete. That fell apart this summer, and I paid the price for it in a spectacular and mortifying way.

I was cleaning my kitchen--which I had to do quickly, as people were coming over that night, and thoroughly, as it was um, diplomatically speaking, something that could spawn a virus that starts the zombie apocalypse. So I was moving very, very fast. Pulling out chairs, sweeping the floor under the table. Walking into another room to get something. Walking back very fast with a destination in mind, shoulders back, looking straight ahead and OH GOT NOT WHERE MY FEET WERE GOING WHICH WAS RIGHT INTO THE [I CANNOT EVEN FAKE THIS CURSE WORD] [BLASPHEMY] CHAIR HOLY [GENTLE CARESS] THAT [GENTLY CARESSING] HURT [BLASPHEMY GENTLE CARESS BLASPHEMY].

Okay, I figured, I banged my fourth toe pretty hard, I will rub it and that will make the toe fairy come out and--well, it will feel better. Or I'll get some ice. And I'll take some Advil. And I'll wear shoes in the house and fake it during dinner.

I couldn't miss work the next day (I had a deadline) so I went and by noon I informed my boss that I had to go to the doctor tomorrow because I thought I might have broken my toe housecleaning.

Yes, he laughed and asked me how I managed it and I told him that we all have our talents. Injuring myself in ridiculous ways is mine.

Went to the doctor, got an xray, and confirmed, the middle joint of the toe was broken. "But I want you to see an orthopedist this week because the break in in a weird place."

So at the end of the week, I went to the orthopedist, who said (AFTER A TWO HOUR WAIT WHERE I GOT VERY VERY HULKSMASH HANGRY BECAUSE WHY NOT JUST SCHEDULE THE APPOINTMENT FOR THE HOUR BEFORE LUNCH AND THEN NOT SHOW UP THAT IS A GREAT CHOICE YES THANK YOU) "Yeah, it's broken. Tape it. Maybe come in for another set of xrays."

To which I said, "Um, how about I not do that?"

To which he said, "Yeah, you don't have to do it unless it still hurts in a month."


The toe is healed up now, though I did get to wear clunky shoes to work and rock my inner Church Lady. (Yes, I am aware that I just dated myself. Cope.) I tried to put work shoes on every so often and my toe was all OH HELL NO WHAT ARE YOU THINKING KEEP THIS UP CHICKIE AND YOU WILL GET NO REST I WILL KEEP YOU AWAKE FOR THE NEXT WEEK GET THE OLD LADY ORTHO SHOES ON AND SUCK IT UP.

I can wear regular shoes now. My toe is still slightly swollen but I can bend it and walk on it and it's fine.

But I have learned my lesson. Housecleaning is for manly men, not delicate flowers like me.

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