It's been a while since I've checked in, so I figured I'd give you an example of what I've been up to and how little you've been missing.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT THAT DOWN. YOU DO NOT NEED THAT.
What? What? I was just looking at it!
PUT THAT DOWN. YOU DO NOT NEED A VASE.
It's only fifty cents!
I DO NOT CARE. PUT IT DOWN.
It's fifty cents!
SHUT UP AND PUT IT DOWN.
You shut up and--and--oh, just shut up.
THE CAT WILL ONLY TRY TO RUB UP AGAINST IT WHEN YOU'VE PUT FLOWERS IN IT AND KNOCK IT OVER, SPILLING WATER EVERYWHERE. MOVE ALONG.
I pick up a purse.
YOU SEE THAT THING HANGING OFF YOUR SHOULDER? IT'S A PURSE. YOU DON'T NEED ANOTHER PURSE.
It's a buck.
Thank you for the ten-dollar word, cupcake, but it's cute and it's a buck and I will need a purse sooner rather than later. I'd rather bank a cute $1 purse from a yard sale than spend heaven knows how much more for a new one at a chain store.
I look at muffin tins.
YES, BECAUSE YOU NEED MORE MUFFIN TINS ON TOP OF THE FOUR YOU ALREADY HAVE.
I look at teacups.
YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF NANA'S TEACUPS, AND THE TEACUP AND SAUCER YOUR FRIENDS GAVE YOU IN COLLEGE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. MOVE ALONG.
Oh! CD's! Of bands and performers I like!
OH WHY DON'T YOU JUST TATTOO "I'M A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO ANY NEW MUSIC"? THIS IS HIS SECOND ALBUM.
THESE ARE ALL BANDS FROM THE NINETIES.
I pick up a Lenny Kravitz CD.
YOU DO NOT NEED ANOTHER CD.
I need this Lenny Kravitz CD.
REALLY? WILL YOU DIE WITHOUT LENNY KRAVITZ IN YOUR LIFE?
Now that is a stupid question. Yes. Yes I will, you eejit.
OK YOU HAVE A POINT THERE, BUT DO YOU NEED THE REST OF THOSE CD'S? SERIOUSLY, MORE NINETIES MUSIC? THE WHOLE GRUNGE THING DOESN'T AGE WELL.
Oh, shut up.
I go to buy my few things.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU COULD HAVE PUT THAT $3 TOWARDS?
"Oh shut up!"
I look at the startled face of woman who's taking my money. "Ha! Not you! Just my. . .my conscience."